Post by racheldaninja on May 4, 2009 15:54:59 GMT -5
I cried myself to sleep every night after Hayley died. She was the love of my life, the one girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had everything planned, the dinner, everything. Then she had to get sick. I don't blame her, it was something we couldn't control. But I was losing the love of my life, and we couldn't help her.
The first week, I never left her side. I had Joe and Nick bring everything, and the longest I left was to go to the bathroom. But I was always sitting or standing next to her, while she slept, while she stared, and while she smiled. She looked in pain the whole time, we didn't know why. We were awaiting the test results on the fourth day, and I sat with her and talked the whole time.
"So that's when Joe got his head stuck in his tambourine." I ended my story, and Hayley giggled. She knew the story by heart, but she loved to hear it.
"Okay, my turn. Uh." Hayley started. Her doctor walked in and motioned to me. I walked over to her, and she looked very sad. I gulped as she started talking.
"I have the test results right here, and it doesn't look too good." Dr. Laura explained. "She has lukemia." I looked over at Hayley. I knew a girl back when I was little that died of lukemia, and I never got over her. Thinking of Hayley dieing in the same way broke my heart. "We have to start her on chemo next week." Dr. Laura finished. "I'll let you tell her." She walked out, and I inched towards Hayley. Her brown eyes were filled with pain and sadness, making me want to cry. I stayed strong and held her hand.
"Hayley, I have news." I said softly. She sat up, preparing herself for everything. "Uh, well. It's kinda hard to explain. Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Hayley, you have lukemia." I watched the small smile on her face disappear faster than anything I've ever seen.
"I'm gonna die?" Hayley asked, her eyes glistening with tears.
"No, no. You're not gonna die. I promise you won't die." I said, crossing my fingers behind my back. I don't believe in breaking promises unless I cross my fingers. It's stupid, but true. "You have to start chemo next week."
"But, why?" Hayley asked.
"It's a treatment, you'll get better after." I replied. I thought she knew all this stuff. She did a report about it for school a few years ago.
"I know why, but why me? Why now?" Hayley squeezed my hand. "Why when I'm happier than anybody in the world?" A tear rolled down her cheek.
"I don't know, but we're gonna fix this. You'll be okay." I kissed her on the cheek. "Just wait. You'll get out of here."
"I know. I'll be fine." Hayley reassured herself. I knew it wasn't true. She'd be fine for a few months, or a year, maybe, but she would die eventually.
Hayley was released from the hospital after the tests were finished. I told Hayley firmly that she wasn't going to stay by herself, so she stayed at my apartment. I waited on her hand and foot, making sure everything was perfect for her. She insisted that I was doing too much, but I didn't care. I never left my apartment, I called Joe and Nick for everything. The next week, I dropped Hayley off at the hospital for her first chemo treatment. I had to go to the grocery store, and I couldn't bear to watch Hayley get pelted with radiation. I went back when the appointment was finished, and Hayley had lost her hair early. She wore her favorite hat, one that I gave her for our 1-week anniversary. I tried not to pay attention to her hair, I knew it was going to happen. She got in silently.
"It's gone. I can't believe that it's gone, Kev!" Hayley exclaimed.
"That's not the least of my worries. Besides, you get to wear hats more often, like you wanted." I replied. Hayley smiled. I patted her shoulder and drove back to the apartment. The routine was the same for a month, and once Hayley was finished with chemo for a while, we had a party.
Joe danced his butt off, dragging Hayley in every once in a while. She got tired very fast, so the party ended early. We still hung out, but we weren't dancing. We sat and watched a movie together, the very last time all of us- Joe, Nick, Frankie, Mom, Dad, Hayley and I- were together. Hayley fell asleep on my shoulder, and Frankie fell asleep on her lap. We all eventually drifted off, and I woke to the smell of pancakes and the radio. I smiled.
"Hayley, wake up. There's a surprise for you!" Hayley opened her eyes. I was awaiting by her face, and kissed her gently. She kissed back as Frankie woke up.
"Gross! Let me up!" Frankie yelled. He jumped up and ran over to Joe. "Gross!" He yelled again.
"Frankie, calm down. That's gonna be you and a girl someday." Joe replied, smiling at me. I smiled back, knowing I owed him for not freaking out.
"No way! I'm not gonna kiss a girl! Girls are gross!" Frankie stomped his foot.
"What about Madison? I thought you liked her." Hayley chirped. Frankie looked at her in shock. "Or Miley? You had such a big fight with Nick about her." Nick nodded, watching the conversation closely.
"But. You guys are making me confused! Quit it!" Frankie turned on the TV.
"Kids! Time to eat!" Mom yelled from the kitchen area. I never grew old in her eyes, I was always 5. We all walked over and started eating. Hayley pushed her plate away after a couple bites.
"Hayley, what's wrong? You love it when I make pancakes." Mom asked Hayley.
"I don't know, Mrs. J, I'm just not hungry." Hayley grabbed her stomach for a second. I stopped eating and waited with her. I'd rather sit with her than eat with my brothers anyday.
Lunch came around, and Hayley still hadn't eaten anything. Dinner, same thing. I knew something was wrong, Hayley had one of the biggest appetites I've ever seen in a girl. I drove Hayley to the hospital right after I got something to eat. She was admitted after I explained the situation. The next day, I was told what happened. The cancer had returned, and it would kill her faster to do chemo again. They said she had a week left, and it would be in the hospital, so they could make sure she was being properly hydrated. I cried for an hour before going to visit Hayley. I took a deep breath and told her what was going on. She cried immediatly, and I pained for her. It was a pain I've never felt before, it made me want to die alongside her. I sat with her every single day, and slept in her hospital room. I ate little, it was unusual, because I'm always eating or drinking something. Nick told me after a week that I needed to get something to eat, other than a small box of cereal every few hours, and dragged me out. I pleaded for him to leave me, but he insisted. I was only gone for an hour, when I raced back to the hospital. Doctors were crowded around Hayley's room, and they parted when I stepped in. Hayley looked terrible. Her face had lost all color. Her big brown eyes were lifeless, no brown remained, only gray. Her hair lost its color as well, it became a tired mess of faded brown.
I felt myself tear up again. All this was happening too fast. She was fine a week ago, now she's barely got anything left in her. She looked up at me and tried to smile. It must have pained her, because she started crying again. I sat next to her.
"Don't smile. It must hurt a lot." I said, holding her hand.
"No, it doesn't hurt. I'm just sorry." Hayley replied. She tried to sit up. I stopped her. She didn't need to exhaust herself like that.
"Sorry for what? I should be the one that's sorry." I replied.
"I'm sorry for leaving you like this. I wanted to stay with you. Forever." Hayley looked me in the eyes, hers glistening from tears.
"Don't be sorry. It's something we can't control. I promise, we'll be together, forever." I told her. I kept my fingers uncrossed. I really meant it. I knew from that moment that everything would change. It did.
I sat with Hayley for an hour, until she finally drifted off to sleep. I waited until she finally fell asleep to start crying. I didn't wanna seem weak to her. I stopped and watched her sleep. She still looked pained, but it was a different pain, like she knew that she was losing the battle with her body. Her breathing got slower and slower, and I started panicing. I calmed down, thinking that it was probably her falling deeper asleep. I held her hand once more as doctors started filing in. It was normal, they checked in every 10 minutes or so, making sure that Hayley was comfortable. When they left, I scooted her over as gently as I could and climbed in her hospital bed. I laid there next to her for about 5 minutes until I fell asleep as well.
The next morning, I had woke up to Hayley turned on her side, looking at me. I smiled, and she smiled back. I kissed her. I got up and walked to where my jacket was laying on the table. I took something out of its pocket and walked back to Hayley.
"Hayley, I hope this will help you feel better about leaving me. This is something we can't control, and I want you to know how I feel about you." I said, holding out the object. It was a small black box. She took it, and opened the box slowly. Her smile grew from ear to ear, and she started crying again.
"Kevin! This is so sweet!" Hayley chirped, after staring at the box for a few minutes. She took the ring out of the box and put it on her finger.
"It's a promise ring. I promise we'll be together, forever." I told her, holding my ring out for her. I read the inscription on my ring for her.
Feelings are nothing unless everything is hanging by a moment.
"That's nice." Hayley whispered. I looked at her, growing concerned. She looked paler than she had, and she lost all her energy quickly. Her breathing became raspy, and I panicked again. She held my hand, and became lost in my eyes. I felt myself tearing again, and Hayley reached over and wiped the tear falling down my cheek.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, and closed her eyes.
"Hayley, no. Don't leave me. You still have time!" I yelled. I fell apart, leaning in and letting go of everything. I cried until the doctor finally came.
"I'm sorry for your loss." Doctor Laura told me. "Just press the button when you have said goodbye."
"Okay. Thank you for taking care of her." I replied, trying to stay strong until they left. The doctor and nurses finally left, and I continued crying. I called Joe, who answered after the first ring.
"How is she?" He asked. "Oh, no. I'm coming, and I'll bring Nick." Joe said after hearing me cry. He knew that I never cried unless someone died. I sat next to Hayley's lifeless body, hoping that she was just sleeping. Joe and Nick walked in a few minutes later, and Joe walked over to me. I stood up, and he hugged me. I hugged back, knowing how much Hayley meant to all of us. Joe finally let go, and I saw that he was crying, too. Nick hugged me, and I hugged back. He pulled away, and he was crying. I had stopped, and avoided looking at Hayley. I looked at the button next to Hayley's bed, then back to Joe and Nick. They both nodded, and I pressed the button. Doctor Laura walked in a minute later, and apologized once again. We nodded and walked to Joe's car.
"What was the last thing she said?" Nick asked, tears still in his eyes.
"I'm sorry." I replied quietly. I stared at the ring on my finger, realizing that the inscription was truer than anything I had ever read.
The first week, I never left her side. I had Joe and Nick bring everything, and the longest I left was to go to the bathroom. But I was always sitting or standing next to her, while she slept, while she stared, and while she smiled. She looked in pain the whole time, we didn't know why. We were awaiting the test results on the fourth day, and I sat with her and talked the whole time.
"So that's when Joe got his head stuck in his tambourine." I ended my story, and Hayley giggled. She knew the story by heart, but she loved to hear it.
"Okay, my turn. Uh." Hayley started. Her doctor walked in and motioned to me. I walked over to her, and she looked very sad. I gulped as she started talking.
"I have the test results right here, and it doesn't look too good." Dr. Laura explained. "She has lukemia." I looked over at Hayley. I knew a girl back when I was little that died of lukemia, and I never got over her. Thinking of Hayley dieing in the same way broke my heart. "We have to start her on chemo next week." Dr. Laura finished. "I'll let you tell her." She walked out, and I inched towards Hayley. Her brown eyes were filled with pain and sadness, making me want to cry. I stayed strong and held her hand.
"Hayley, I have news." I said softly. She sat up, preparing herself for everything. "Uh, well. It's kinda hard to explain. Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Hayley, you have lukemia." I watched the small smile on her face disappear faster than anything I've ever seen.
"I'm gonna die?" Hayley asked, her eyes glistening with tears.
"No, no. You're not gonna die. I promise you won't die." I said, crossing my fingers behind my back. I don't believe in breaking promises unless I cross my fingers. It's stupid, but true. "You have to start chemo next week."
"But, why?" Hayley asked.
"It's a treatment, you'll get better after." I replied. I thought she knew all this stuff. She did a report about it for school a few years ago.
"I know why, but why me? Why now?" Hayley squeezed my hand. "Why when I'm happier than anybody in the world?" A tear rolled down her cheek.
"I don't know, but we're gonna fix this. You'll be okay." I kissed her on the cheek. "Just wait. You'll get out of here."
"I know. I'll be fine." Hayley reassured herself. I knew it wasn't true. She'd be fine for a few months, or a year, maybe, but she would die eventually.
Hayley was released from the hospital after the tests were finished. I told Hayley firmly that she wasn't going to stay by herself, so she stayed at my apartment. I waited on her hand and foot, making sure everything was perfect for her. She insisted that I was doing too much, but I didn't care. I never left my apartment, I called Joe and Nick for everything. The next week, I dropped Hayley off at the hospital for her first chemo treatment. I had to go to the grocery store, and I couldn't bear to watch Hayley get pelted with radiation. I went back when the appointment was finished, and Hayley had lost her hair early. She wore her favorite hat, one that I gave her for our 1-week anniversary. I tried not to pay attention to her hair, I knew it was going to happen. She got in silently.
"It's gone. I can't believe that it's gone, Kev!" Hayley exclaimed.
"That's not the least of my worries. Besides, you get to wear hats more often, like you wanted." I replied. Hayley smiled. I patted her shoulder and drove back to the apartment. The routine was the same for a month, and once Hayley was finished with chemo for a while, we had a party.
Joe danced his butt off, dragging Hayley in every once in a while. She got tired very fast, so the party ended early. We still hung out, but we weren't dancing. We sat and watched a movie together, the very last time all of us- Joe, Nick, Frankie, Mom, Dad, Hayley and I- were together. Hayley fell asleep on my shoulder, and Frankie fell asleep on her lap. We all eventually drifted off, and I woke to the smell of pancakes and the radio. I smiled.
"Hayley, wake up. There's a surprise for you!" Hayley opened her eyes. I was awaiting by her face, and kissed her gently. She kissed back as Frankie woke up.
"Gross! Let me up!" Frankie yelled. He jumped up and ran over to Joe. "Gross!" He yelled again.
"Frankie, calm down. That's gonna be you and a girl someday." Joe replied, smiling at me. I smiled back, knowing I owed him for not freaking out.
"No way! I'm not gonna kiss a girl! Girls are gross!" Frankie stomped his foot.
"What about Madison? I thought you liked her." Hayley chirped. Frankie looked at her in shock. "Or Miley? You had such a big fight with Nick about her." Nick nodded, watching the conversation closely.
"But. You guys are making me confused! Quit it!" Frankie turned on the TV.
"Kids! Time to eat!" Mom yelled from the kitchen area. I never grew old in her eyes, I was always 5. We all walked over and started eating. Hayley pushed her plate away after a couple bites.
"Hayley, what's wrong? You love it when I make pancakes." Mom asked Hayley.
"I don't know, Mrs. J, I'm just not hungry." Hayley grabbed her stomach for a second. I stopped eating and waited with her. I'd rather sit with her than eat with my brothers anyday.
Lunch came around, and Hayley still hadn't eaten anything. Dinner, same thing. I knew something was wrong, Hayley had one of the biggest appetites I've ever seen in a girl. I drove Hayley to the hospital right after I got something to eat. She was admitted after I explained the situation. The next day, I was told what happened. The cancer had returned, and it would kill her faster to do chemo again. They said she had a week left, and it would be in the hospital, so they could make sure she was being properly hydrated. I cried for an hour before going to visit Hayley. I took a deep breath and told her what was going on. She cried immediatly, and I pained for her. It was a pain I've never felt before, it made me want to die alongside her. I sat with her every single day, and slept in her hospital room. I ate little, it was unusual, because I'm always eating or drinking something. Nick told me after a week that I needed to get something to eat, other than a small box of cereal every few hours, and dragged me out. I pleaded for him to leave me, but he insisted. I was only gone for an hour, when I raced back to the hospital. Doctors were crowded around Hayley's room, and they parted when I stepped in. Hayley looked terrible. Her face had lost all color. Her big brown eyes were lifeless, no brown remained, only gray. Her hair lost its color as well, it became a tired mess of faded brown.
I felt myself tear up again. All this was happening too fast. She was fine a week ago, now she's barely got anything left in her. She looked up at me and tried to smile. It must have pained her, because she started crying again. I sat next to her.
"Don't smile. It must hurt a lot." I said, holding her hand.
"No, it doesn't hurt. I'm just sorry." Hayley replied. She tried to sit up. I stopped her. She didn't need to exhaust herself like that.
"Sorry for what? I should be the one that's sorry." I replied.
"I'm sorry for leaving you like this. I wanted to stay with you. Forever." Hayley looked me in the eyes, hers glistening from tears.
"Don't be sorry. It's something we can't control. I promise, we'll be together, forever." I told her. I kept my fingers uncrossed. I really meant it. I knew from that moment that everything would change. It did.
I sat with Hayley for an hour, until she finally drifted off to sleep. I waited until she finally fell asleep to start crying. I didn't wanna seem weak to her. I stopped and watched her sleep. She still looked pained, but it was a different pain, like she knew that she was losing the battle with her body. Her breathing got slower and slower, and I started panicing. I calmed down, thinking that it was probably her falling deeper asleep. I held her hand once more as doctors started filing in. It was normal, they checked in every 10 minutes or so, making sure that Hayley was comfortable. When they left, I scooted her over as gently as I could and climbed in her hospital bed. I laid there next to her for about 5 minutes until I fell asleep as well.
The next morning, I had woke up to Hayley turned on her side, looking at me. I smiled, and she smiled back. I kissed her. I got up and walked to where my jacket was laying on the table. I took something out of its pocket and walked back to Hayley.
"Hayley, I hope this will help you feel better about leaving me. This is something we can't control, and I want you to know how I feel about you." I said, holding out the object. It was a small black box. She took it, and opened the box slowly. Her smile grew from ear to ear, and she started crying again.
"Kevin! This is so sweet!" Hayley chirped, after staring at the box for a few minutes. She took the ring out of the box and put it on her finger.
"It's a promise ring. I promise we'll be together, forever." I told her, holding my ring out for her. I read the inscription on my ring for her.
Feelings are nothing unless everything is hanging by a moment.
"That's nice." Hayley whispered. I looked at her, growing concerned. She looked paler than she had, and she lost all her energy quickly. Her breathing became raspy, and I panicked again. She held my hand, and became lost in my eyes. I felt myself tearing again, and Hayley reached over and wiped the tear falling down my cheek.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, and closed her eyes.
"Hayley, no. Don't leave me. You still have time!" I yelled. I fell apart, leaning in and letting go of everything. I cried until the doctor finally came.
"I'm sorry for your loss." Doctor Laura told me. "Just press the button when you have said goodbye."
"Okay. Thank you for taking care of her." I replied, trying to stay strong until they left. The doctor and nurses finally left, and I continued crying. I called Joe, who answered after the first ring.
"How is she?" He asked. "Oh, no. I'm coming, and I'll bring Nick." Joe said after hearing me cry. He knew that I never cried unless someone died. I sat next to Hayley's lifeless body, hoping that she was just sleeping. Joe and Nick walked in a few minutes later, and Joe walked over to me. I stood up, and he hugged me. I hugged back, knowing how much Hayley meant to all of us. Joe finally let go, and I saw that he was crying, too. Nick hugged me, and I hugged back. He pulled away, and he was crying. I had stopped, and avoided looking at Hayley. I looked at the button next to Hayley's bed, then back to Joe and Nick. They both nodded, and I pressed the button. Doctor Laura walked in a minute later, and apologized once again. We nodded and walked to Joe's car.
"What was the last thing she said?" Nick asked, tears still in his eyes.
"I'm sorry." I replied quietly. I stared at the ring on my finger, realizing that the inscription was truer than anything I had ever read.