just friends || complete!

[chandy]

CHAPTER ELEVEN


We stared at each other for the longest time - probably over ten seconds, though it seemed much longer. I didn't know what to say, if I should say anything at all, if I kissed him again... I was beyond confused.

Joe looked at the door, suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughtful trance. My head jerked over to the door, too, and what I saw made my face blush deep crimson.

The first person I saw, gawking at me, was Kevin. His guitar was slung lazily behind his back as he tried not to gape. I could tell he was restraining a big smile, so I smiled back at him weakly. I looked back at Joe, who was laughing quietly. I noticed when he rested his hand on my leg, and it was all I could do not to beam like a fool.

I looked back at the doorway and noticed that Nick had been standing behind Kevin, with not nearly the same amount of enthusiasm on his face as his big brothers. In fact, he was obviously frowning sourly at what he'd just seen. My eyebrows knit together in confusion, I barely had a chance to blink before he had disappeared from the doorway.

Kevin left us eventually (although not without giving me a wink and a thumbs up), leaving Joe and I alone together. We didn't say anything for a long time, just sat there. I was thinking, mostly, until Joe broke the silence.

"So..." was his brilliant ice-breaker. I laughed and looked over at him.

"So..."

"What now?" he asked. I shook my head, shrugging. I honestly didn't know what happened next. Things were different now - for the better, it seemed. But the tour bus would no longer be the relaxed, friendly environment it was before. Everything was going to change now.

Joe smiled at me, with my favorite crooked grin of his. It was lopsided and goofy, just like his personality. He leaned toward me and brushed his lips against mine, so faintly, teasing me. I almost groaned at him, but didn't want to discourage him from continuing - by all means. I was thinking. Go right ahead, Joe.

He kissed me again, this time more confidently. I wasn't going to lie to myself - he was the best kisser I'd ever kissed.

---

Diary,

Nick is being especially quiet tonight, ever since he and Kevin caught me and Joe kissing. He didn't say anything to me afterwards but two words. I was trying to go to bed, so I bundled up under my covers, said goodnight to Joe and Kevin, and then said it to Nick.

"Night, Nicky. I love you," I said. As usual; nothing different there. He didn't say anything, just rolled over and faced the wall of his bunk. I don't understand why he's acting like this.

"Nicky?"

He didn't answer me again. I furrowed my eyebrows. "Nick?"

He sighed in defeat. "Goodnight, Penelope."

That was all he said to me. Goodnight, Penelope.

I'm too nauseous to sleep now.

-Penny.

---

I didn't sleep all night long; I gave up on slumber after 5:00 AM rolled around. I sat up in my bunk and dragged out my sketchpad and started drawing. It wasn't for an hour or so that I realized that I was just scribbling; I set the paper aside and made some coffee in the kitchen, hoping it would allure Kevin out of his sleep. I knew him all too well - he was up the second the rich fragrance of Starbucks House Blend filled the tour bus, rubbing his eyes and grabbing a mug.

"So," Kevin yawned at me. I smiled and wrapped my fingers around the hot coffee mug, bringing it to my lips for a sip. It burned my tongue, and Kevin still managed to take a huge gulp of his. "Why are you up so early?"

"I didn't sleep."

"Why not?" he asked, setting down his coffee. I shrugged.

"I should be happy about... you know," I muttered. "And I am, don't get me wrong. But... I can tell Nick doesn't like it. And he's just ruining it." I was griping to Kevin about his brother, who was in the next room - I knew it was dumb. But I trusted Kevin and knew Nick wasn't going to wake up any time soon.

"He just needs time to get used to it. Trust me, he won't be able to ignore it for long."

I made breakfast that morning, with Kevin helping to test it as I went along, without my permission at first. I made eggs, bacon, pancakes and toast by the time the rest of the bus even began to stir in their beds.

"Be productive and set the table," I told Kevin, handing him a stack of paper plates. He did what I said gladly since I'd threatened to throw out the coffee I was making if he didn't. When I finished up, I went into the bunk area to wake up the other boys.

"Joe? Joe -" I shoved him in the shoulder but he didn't even move. "Joooooe. Joe!" I snapped with a laugh. He let out a loud snore. I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek and lingered there, hoping he'd wake up. "Joe."

He jolted awake. I smiled at him, "Breakfast time."

I ruffled Nick's hair to wake him up, praying that he would swat my arm away angrily. He didn't; just rolled over and looked at me.

"Breakfast is ready, if you want some," I smiled at him. He just nodded, a blank expression on his face. I joined the others in the kitchen with a thoughtful frown, before Joe jumped on me.

"ANTELOPE!" He burst out, pressing his lips against mine. I smiled into his kiss and melted in his arms, perfectly content with life, forgetting about my problems for the moment.

[chandy]

CHAPTER TWELVE

I woke up one morning with a boy in my face.

I wasn't sure what was going on at first; I was still groggy from lack of sleep. We'd stayed up well into the morning the night before, still jittery from the show. I wanted to sleep in forever, nestled warmly under my pile of blankets in the top bunk. I opened my eyes for one second and there Nick was, staring at me, his chin resting on the side of my bunk.

Immediately, I was alert. He hadn't said a single word to me ever since the AMA's. Not one except for a "God bless you," when I sneezed and a "sure" when I asked if he wanted a Diet Coke while I was up. Sure. That was it. I didn't know what was going on with him, but I didn't like it. I missed my Nicky; I missed talking to him and playing with his nest of curly locks. I missed staying the night in his bunk and getting the long hugs he gave me before every show. I just missed everything about him and hated that he was cutting himself off from me. He wasn't giving me dirty looks. In fact, I might have preferred dirty looks. He wasn't looking my way at all.

And now, so suddenly, he was about a foot away from my face, looking at me. I sat up on my elbows and gazed back at him, almost shocked that he was giving me the time of day. Nearly flattered, although still angry that he hadn't explained anything. He had no reason to be upset with me.

"We need to talk," said Nick sullenly. I nodded blankly.

"I know."

"C'mon. Let's go walk," he said quietly. He held his hand out for me to take so he could help me out of my bunk. I stared at it carefully, hesitant. Was he going to yank me to the floor? I was afraid for a moment that he was planning something horrible to do to me. But then I looked at his face and saw his soft, thoughtful expression and knew he wanted nothing but to talk to me. I took his hand firmly and he helped me down, releasing my hand when both my feet were settled on the ground. My heart sunk.

I followed him to the door of the tour bus - we were parked somewhere - and passed Joe, who gave me a questioning look. I shook my head at him and gestured for him to leave it alone. Nick was oblivious. Or maybe he was just ignoring the interaction between me and his brother. I took a jacket off the hook, slipped on my boots and followed him outside, casting a wistful glance back at Joe before the door closed behind me.

Joe and I weren't exactly dating yet - we were really just enjoying our new relationship. A few days after the AMA's, in some spare time, he took me out to dinner for a perfect first date. I was falling for him fast, maybe too fast. But I didn't care. He was wonderful to me constantly.

Nick held the door open for me as we stepped out of the bus - I was alarmed at how cold it had become. There was thin flecks of ice on the ground beneath me and I could see spider webs of air circling around in front of me as I breathed out. It hadn't been this cold last night.

"It sleeted last night," Nick explained. I nodded and let him lead me away from the bus. We were silent for a long time, but I didn't want to interrupt Nick - I could tell he was thinking of what he was going to say to me. I kept up pace at his side, wanting so badly to hold his hand again, but knew he probably wouldn't like it. Luckily, he spoke before I had enough time to torture myself over the idea.

"Are you Joe's girlfriend, then?" he asked, catching me off guard. I didn't even have to think about it, but I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts.

"Not exactly... we're just dating. Kind of. I don't know," I chuckled. Nick didn't even crack a smile, just shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. I stopped laughing.

"Do you like him like... that?"

"Yes." I watched sadly as Nick flinched at how quickly I answered. I spoke with too much confidence to him; he didn't like it. I frowned and looked down at the ice crunching underneath my boots.

"How long have you liked him?" he asked. I thought about that question for a while.

"I don't know. It may have been a while. I just suddenly realized that I--" He cut me off, obviously not wanting me to finish my sentence.

"Roughly?"

"I don't know, Nick. Why does it matter to you so much?" I stopped walking, forcing him to stop to. He turned around to look at me.

"I don't know," he muttered, looking down at his shoes. I could tell he was lying to me, but didn't push him any further. I could tell he was hurting, but I didn't know why.

"Why, Nick? Why have you been avoiding me this whole time? Did I do something wrong?" I asked. Nick shook his head.

"No. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Joe...?" Nick looked up at me, his cheeks flushed with a pale pink color.

"Unintentionally," he answered. I nodded. We were getting somewhere now, just not very far. I thought for a moment and kept walking. Nick started walking again too, in silence.

"What exactly did he... unintentionally... do?" I asked, looking up at him. His eyes were closed and he took a deep breath in through his nose. I waited patiently for his response. He opened his eyes and looked straight ahead.

"He kissed you."

"Oh," I said. "Is that not allowed?"

"No," Nick told me. "It's not. We're all supposed to be friends. Just friends. That's all we've ever been. Now it's awkward because you and Joe... and it's not like things can go back to normal now. You're either dating or you're not, and both of those make things weird between all of us."

I nodded. I'd been afraid of that. "I'm sorry, Nick."

"It's okay, Penny. You can't help it," he sighed. "I'm sorry, too. For being such a jerk about it." I looked up at him. He wasn't smiling at me, but he didn't look so agonized as he had before.

"I love you, Nicky," I whimpered, before grabbing him around the stomach and pulling him over for a hug. I heard a light, dull chuckle just as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my blonde hair.

I smiled.

[chandy]

CHAPTER THIRTEEN


Nick and I walked back to the tour bus quietly, the tension between us loosened, although not completely gone. He held the door open for me and helped me up so I didn't slip on the ice, and we laughed quietly when I still managed to stumble around a bit.

"Very smooth, Antelope," Joe said, taking me by the arms and pulling me in for a long hug. I snuggled into his chest, pressing my face into his t-shirt and inhaling his cologne. I wrapped my arms all the way around him and looked around the tour bus. I caught sight of Nick, who was scowling at his brother, before he walked off. Great. So I wasn't the only person he was ticked off at.

"What did you two talk about?" Joe asked, oblivious, pulling me over to the sofa. I crawled into his lap and he cradled me softly against his chest as I mumbled.

"He apologized for being mean lately." I wasn't sure how much I should have told Joe about our conversation - I knew Nick probably didn't want Joe to hear everything; that's why we left the bus. But, looking at that face, I couldn't leave it at that. "He doesn't like you and I going out," I muttered. I felt Joe tighten his grip around my torso.

"Why?"

"I don't know. He thinks everything is weird now. I mean, it is, but... you know what I mean," I said. I felt Joe nod. "But we're okay now. Kind of. I think."

"He'll be fine. He always gets over it," Joe said. I smiled faintly. Nick could never stay mad at me; he was physically incapable of holding a grudge against me without having to talk it out eventually, like he just had. I remembered once, when I was fourteen, Nick and I were in a huge fight because I called his girlfriend an idiot. She was, but he didn't know it yet.

He ignored me for two weeks straight - just pretended like I had never existed. Whenever I went over to his house to see his brothers or babysit Frankie, he'd just lock himself up in his room and refuse to come out until I had left.

"Frankie, go outside," Nick said on the stairs. I looked around, alarmed that she was speaking now. I hadn't forgotten he was in the house, but didn't expect him to give in today. I turned and stared at him.

"I don't wanna-"

"Frankie, do what he says. I'll come get you in a minute," I whispered to him, ruffling his brown hair. When Frankie was gone, Nick bounded down the steps and swept me up in a big hug.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Nick repeated. I had planned on being mad at him for blowing me off, but couldn't resist the smile that broke out on my face. I hugged him back.

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry," Nick said. I laughed and pulled away from him, keeping my hands on his shoulders and looking into his brown eyes.

"She's still an idiot."

"I know," Nick smiled.

No matter what the situation was, Nick could never seem to go long without my friendship. And always, if I waited it out for a while, he'd come to me begging for forgiveness. And never once did I give him a problem with it - I always knew he was sincere, and he was my best friend, after all.

But this was wrong. Nick had never been mad at Joe like he could get mad at me, even if he always did forgive me. He and his brothers always talked out their problems - that dirty look was not normal for Nick. Not when he just left like that.

After two weeks of the same thing.

It was just unusual and disturbing. All this because Joe and I kissed? There had to be another reason besides the friendship issue. There must have been something else to cause Nick so much anguish at the thought of Joe's lips coming anywhere near mine. But what else could it be?

---

"Food!" Kevin shouted, running for the entrance of McDonald's, his arms spread wide open as if he were about to give the building a big hug.

"Piggyback!" I yelled, launching myself onto Nick's back. Nick laughed and spun me around a few times as we galloped to the door. "I really really really really really want some chicken nuggets."

"Really?" Joe smirked. I sent him a playful glare and let Nick carry me inside the warm fast food restaurant. Kevin was already being swarmed by a group of three giggling girls, wanting him to sign their napkins. I smiled and hopped off of Nick's back, knowing he'd have to say hello, too.

"Kevin, what do you want?" I asked as he scribbled his signature on a placemat. I was standing at the counter, ordering for the boys as they dealt with their fans.

"Number one."

"Joe?"

"NUMBAAAAAAH uno," Joe said, taking a picture with a girl with braces on her cell phone. I laughed and told the girl behind the counter what he wanted.

"Nicky, what about you?"

"Number one, please." He leaned forward and hugged a girl who looked like she was about to faint. I rolled my eyes.

"You guys are so boring!" I told the cashier the orders and she handed me four cups over the counter. I walked over to the soda fountain and filled the cups with a Dr. Pepper, a Fanta, and two Diet Cokes, and walked over to a booth to set them down as the boys finished up.

"Are you two dating?" one girl asked Nick, casting a dark look my way. I groaned inwardly - sore subject, girl. Don't go there.

"No," Nick said flatly, glowering at Joe's back, who wasn't paying attention. The girl caught the look immediately.

"She's Joe's girlfriend?!" she shrieked, looking at one of her friends. I buried my face in my hands as the boys stuttered, trying to cover it up. The girl wouldn't take no for an answer, though, and kept snapping pictures of me sitting in the corner of my booth.

"Alright, that's enough," Big Rob said, cutting in. I smiled at him gratefully as the girls headed back to their tables and Joe, Nick, and Kevin finally made it over to me.

"Well, that's not good," Kevin said. "Those pictures will be all over the internet by tomorrow." I groaned and leaned against Joe, who put his arm around me.

"Wonderful," I mumbled. I looked over at Nick, who was flicking the straw of his drink absentmindedly with his finger. I moved my leg so it nudged his under the table. He glanced up at me and I gave him a small, sad smile.

His smile was even sadder.

[chandy]

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

nick's point of view.

I have fallen
to my knees
as I sing
a lullaby
of pain

I'm feeling broken
in my melody
as I sing
to help the tears
go away

Then I remember
the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
to hear my every prayer
Inside, I'm clinging to
the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
to never walk away from you
and leave behind
the promise of a lifetime


I let my head fall back against the wall inside my bunk and listened to the music through my ear buds. I shut my eyes, squeezing them tight, making my head spin and turn dark and dizzy for a moment. I focused on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, controlled breathing. I was nauseous; I could feel the urge to vomit boiling in the pit of my stomach as I tried to tune out the world.

It wasn't working.

When I closed my eyes, the only thing I could see was Penny's face staring back at me - her blue eyes wide and hurt. She just gazed at me in my mind - never saying anything. I had hurt her feelings the past week, and the image of her face expressing that emotion was permanently etched into my thoughts.

How could I have let things become so horrible? I blamed myself for Joe's and Penny's relationship; I could have stopped it if he told me he liked her like that. Or vice versa. If I had only known, I could have done something about it.

I could have done something first.

I'd never thought of Penny that way - she had always been my best friend. Although, now I can't deny that I'd always been helplessly attracted to her. How could I not? Everything about her was lovely. The thought of how flawless she was made me disgusted with myself for behaving toward her the way I did.

There was not one thing about Penny that I didn't love. Her eyes were a deep navy blue and sparkled constantly, no matter how dull the lighting. Her skin was perfect, pale. Like porcelain. Her hair was like spun gold, a sun-kissed honey blonde, framing her heart-shaped face in a way that made my heart rate stutter when I looked up at her.

And, appearance aside, she was still just as amazing. She was the only girl who could make me laugh as hard as I did around her. She was the one person in the world besides my family who could crack open my shell and let me be myself. She was a constant reminder of the good things in my life. She was one of those good things. She always had been.

I ran my hand back, flattening my hair. The dark brown curls on the back of my neck were drenched in sweat as I thought relentlessly about how much I had denied my feelings for Penny. I was in love with her. There was no way of avoiding the inevitable - it had to happen sometime.

One thing I wasn't bargaining for was Joe having those same feelings for the same girl. That was where the web became tangled. How could he do that to me? How could he not know that I was in love with her? Did he not know how fantastic she was?

Of course he did. No wonder they're together. Why hadn't I known that he was in love with her, too? Why hadn't I noticed?

I punched the blanket underneath me, clenching my jaw and fists in fury. I was furious at Joe. I was furious at myself.

I couldn't bring myself to be furious at Penny.

Will you help me
fall apart?
Pick me up
and take me in
your arms

I'll find my way back
from the storm
Then you show me
how to grow
through the change

I still remember
the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
to hear my every prayer
Inside, I'm clinging to
the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
to never walk away from you
and leave behind
the promise of a lifetime

I heard Penny laugh in the small living room and scowled in the darkness. Why was Joe the lucky one? Why did he get to hold her in his arms and listen to her angelic laughter? Why was he allowed to kiss her and I wasn't?

It somehow didn't seem fair to me. I cared about her more. Joe would just end up hurting her.

I could not let that happen to Penny. I couldn't allow that to happen while I just sat by and observed. It wasn't a tennis match. I wasn't about to just sit in the stands and silently watch what happened.

I closed my eyes gently and leaned back against the pillows, covering my face with my hands. This was all so frustrating. Why couldn't Penny just understand that I loved her? Could she ever possibly find it in her heart to love me the way I loved her?

No. She had Joe now.

I am holding onto the hope
I have inside
For you, I will stay
through every day
pulling my understanding aside
and I am comforted

to know you're always there
to hear my every prayer
Inside, I'm clinging to
the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
to never walk away from me
and leave behind
the promise of a lifetime

I know you're always there
to hear my every prayer
Inside, I'm clinging to
the promise of a lifetime
Looking back at me
I know that you can see my heart
is open to
the promise of a lifetime


I leaned forward, clasping a pillow over my mouth and pressing my face into it, hard, to keep from screaming.

But I did scream, the sound dampened in the center of the tough cotton pillow.

I had to do something. Anything.

But was there anything I could do?

[chandy]

CHAPTER FOURTEEN



penny's point of view.

I woke up with my arms wrapped tightly around Kevin's stomach. I blinked a few times, my eyes adjusting to the light that flooded the tour bus. I was confused at first, but then remembered that the boys didn't have a concert today, and everyone was trying to catch up on their sleep. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was 10:09. I must have been tired.

I slowly pulled my arms back from Kevin's body and peeled his arm that was dangling over my waist off, and gently set it down on the bed. As I sat up to remove myself from the bunk, I felt Kevin stir a little.

"Where you going, Pen?" he mumbled, not bothering open his eyes. I laughed and rolled out of the bunk.

"I'm going to go make breakfast," I whispered. Kevin's eyes started fluttering open.

"Hold on, I'll get up," Kevin mumbled, opening his eyes. I patted his arm and shook my head.

"No, Kev. You need to sleep."

"You sure?" He closed his eyes again and I smiled, ruffling his hair a bit.

"Yep. I'll make you some coffee, too, okay?" Kevin smiled and dug his face back into his pillow, muttering an 'okay' to me before falling back asleep. I grinned and walked over to the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair and wash off my face. I then went into the kitchen and pulled out a frying pan and grabbed some bacon, eggs, bread, and butter.

"Is that bacon?" I heard ten minutes later. I recognized the voice and smiled to myself.

"Sure is." I said as I flipped over a fried egg and looked up at Joe. He stood up and stretched his arms over his head and walked over to me, kissing me softly on the cheek and leaning against the counter as I cooked.

"Good morning." I smiled sideways at him.

"Morning," he muttered with a small, sleepy smile.

"Hungry?" I smirked. Joe looked at me and nodded.

"Of course," he said. I laughed and passed him a plate of eggs, bacon and toast and told him to sit down. I pulled an orange gatorade out of the refrigerator and tossed it over to him. "Thank you!"

"You're welcome," I chuckled, when I heard a noise next to me. I turned my head and saw Nick walked toward me, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"Breakfast?"

"Yup," I grinned. Nick took me by surprise and wrapped me up in a tight hug, like the kind you give an old friend that you haven't seen for ages. I hugged him back, though, happy that my best friend was back. He kissed me on the forehead and sat down at the table with Joe, not saying anything. I resisted the urge to turn around and see if Nick was giving his brother any dirty looks and made him a plate of food.

"Here you go," I said, setting the plate down in front of him. Nick looked down at his breakfast and then beamed up at me.

"This looks good, Penny," he told me. I smiled gratefully, turned off the burners and sat down at the table beside them, watching as they ate.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Joe asked me. I shook my head. "No, I'm not very hungry," I told him. "I had a strip of bacon, Joe, I'm fine," I added when Joe started pushing his plate my way.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" I asked. Nick shrugged and looked up at me.

"Christmas shopping?"

My face lit up at the idea. "Cool! I still need to get presents for your parents, Frankie, and people back in New Jersey."

"You already bought gifts for us?" Joe asked, surprised. "When? What did you get me?" I smirked at him and wrapped my fingers around my mug of coffee, lifting it up to my lips.

"You'll see," I smiled. Joe rolled his eyes and placed his hand on my knee. I looked up at Nick, who looked down at his plate pointedly. I moved my leg away from Joe and got up to pour Nick a glass of milk.

"I'm kind of getting depressed," I gave a half-smile. "The tour's almost over."

"Why?" Joe asked. I heard a loud scoff behind me and Nick's annoyed voice.

"Penny lives in New Jersey now, idiot." I frowned and turned to look disapprovingly at Nick. He bowed his head and looked away from my gaze.

"Oh," Joe muttered sullenly. "I forgot." I looked at him sympathetically and walked over to them, placing a hand on each of their arms affectionately.

"Let's not worry about that right now," I tried to smile. "We've still got a month."

[chandy]

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

A few mornings later, I woke up to a horrible sound. It was low, harsh arguing coming from the living room. At first, I laid in my bunk trying to tune it out; but it wouldn't go away. I listened in as closely as I could, and could tell that it was Kevin, Joe, and Nick arguing about something.

"You're such an idiot, sometimes, Joe!"

"Nick, calm down-"

"Stay out of this Kevin. Joe knew exactly how I felt and he completely ignored it!"

"What are you talking about? I had no idea. Why are you trying to ruin this for me?"

"Joe, stop."

"No, let him talk, Kevin. I want to know exactly how his warped mind actually thinks. I don't get it."

"Nick-"

"Shut up!" That was Nick and Joe in unison. I furrowed my eyebrows and hopped out of my bunk, confused. Why were they fighting? What was going on? What could possibly have the boys in such an uproar?

"No, Joe, you knew exactly-" Nick began as I walked into the living room.

"No, I didn't!" Joe defended himself. I rubbed my eyes and stared at them questioningly, when Kevin spotted me.

"Penny."

"What? Penny!" Joe and Nick stopped arguing. Joe walked over to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder in an overprotective way, while Nick froze, staring at me.

"What's going on?" I asked. "Why are you fighting?"

"Tell her, Nick."

"No, you tell her, Joe."

"It's not my fault."

"Says who?!"

"Someone tell me!" I shouted, exasperated, shrugging Joe's arm off of me and centering myself in between the two bickering brothers. "What happened?"

"Nick just randomly decided that dating you is off limits!"

"It's never been random! I just didn't think you were dumb enough to date her!"

"Hey!" I yelled. Nick looked at me apologetically.

"Not like that. Anyone would be lucky to date you. I'm just saying that Joe was dumb enough to ruin this whole friendship because of HORMONES."

"Don't act like that's the only reason why I'm not allowed to date Penny!" Joe scowled at Nick. "You just want her for yourself!" I watched Nick flinch at the words Joe flinged at him and gasped. What was he talking about?

"What?"

"Nick likes you, Penny. But apparently I'm supposed to be a freaking mind reader and know that I'm not allowed to lay a hand on you!"

"You knew I love Penny, Joe. Don't lie!"

"I don't know anything!"

"I know THAT'S right!"

"EVERYONE JUST STOP!" I cried. My eyes were filling with tears now. How could everything get so horrible in such a short time? Nick liked me? Since when?

"This is all my fault," I said. I was sobbing now and couldn't control the river of tears streaming down my face.

"No, Penny, it's Nick's fault," Joe said, reaching out for me. I slapped his arm away and he jumped back, hurt.

"No. This is my fault! If I hadn't come, none of this would have happened. I don't - How could you guys fight over something as silly as me? I don't understand! UGH, why is everything so confusing?" I cried. Nick and Joe and Kevin were all silent now. I heard Denise and Frankie enter the room.

"What's going on?" Denise asked. I didn't answer her.

"If you guys are going to be STUPID and fight over... over ME..." I bawled. "Then... I'm out of here! I'm leaving. I'm going home."

"What? Penny, no. We--"

"Shut up, Joe!!!" I screamed. Everyone flinched.

"I'm going home! I can't take this anymore. I'm not going to be the reason you guys can't get along. Denise?" I turned around. Denise was gaping at me, shocked and almost... scared at my outburst. I wiped my face off with my sleeve.

"Yes, Penny?"

"I'd like... I'd like to go home. Can you... Could I..." I broke down crying again. Nobody moved. I felt so breakable and fragile... like an egg shell.

"Sure, sweetheart. Sure."

"Thank you," I whispered. I walked out of the tour bus without a word.

[chandy]

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

two

weeks

later.


I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

I buried my head under my pillow and tried to ignore my phone ringing until whoever it was got my voicemail. It rang for a good thirty seconds before that happened. I sighed, relieved, and rolled over, angling the pillow over my face to shield it from the sunlight.

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied


I groaned and thrust my hand out to the nightstand and felt around. My cell phone vibrated in my hand as I brought it to my face. I blinked and adjusted my eyes to the light, since for the past twelve hours I'd seen nothing but the insides of my eyelids and my horrible nightmares.

JOE LOVES ANTELOPE <3
Answer or Ignore?

I sighed and pressed ignore for the twenty seventh time since yesterday. It had been like this for the past two weeks and I never answered the phone, unless it was Kevin, Frankie, Denise, Miley, or Garbo. And they never really brought Joe or Nick up, except for Frankie, but he didn't know any better.

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

I glared at my cell phone before turning it off. I ripped the sheet off my legs and decided I should get up by now - I'd slept in very late. I had been sleeping a lot lately, intentionally. If I was asleep, I wouldn't have to be awake. I couldn't think about them.

But I did anyway. I dreamt about Joe and Nick every single night. There was no stopping it.

I walked over to my closet, running my hand over the ponytail I'd slept in. I grabbed a jacket out of my closet, wrapped it around me and looked at my reflection in the vanity mirror. I was so plain now - I hadn't worn makeup in days. My eyes were glassy and dull now. I hadn't really smiled in two weeks. I looked like death.

I wiped a tear off my cheek with the sleeve of my jacket and went downstairs. And then the phone rang loudly. I cursed under my breath and bolted down the rest of the stairs and tore into the living room. I had to beat my parents to the phone and hang up on Joe or Nick before they answered it. I was unsuccessful.

"Hello?" my mom said into the phone. I watched her face go from friendly to worried as she talked to whoever was on the other end. She glanced up at me. I shook my head at her, but she ignored it.

"Yeah, she's here, Nick. Would you like to talk to her?" she asked. I rolled my eyes and walked away. "Penny, get back here now!" she hissed. "Here she is, Nick."

My mom passed me the phone. I quickly pressed 'end'.

"Penelope Jayne Hamilton! I did not raise you to be so rude to your friends," my mom scowled down at me, ashamed. I ducked my head and started walking away. "Get back here right now and call that boy back."

I turned around, struggling with the barrier that held back my tears. I could only hold it for so long. "No, Mom. I'm not talking to him."

"Apologize for hanging up on him, then. I don't want people thinking I raised a girl with no manners. You know better than that," she said, her face softening at the look in my eyes. I sighed and picked up the phone and dialed Nick's cell phone number.

"Penny?" he answered urgently. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes, willing it to be over. I had planned on never hearing that voice again. Listening to the pain in his tone was painful itself.

"Hi," I breathed.

"Penny, I--"

"I'm sorry for hanging up on you, Nick," I said. I gulped in another shaky breath.

"It's okay, Pen. I'm just--"

"But I'd appreciate if you didn't call here anymore. Or my cell phone. I don't want Joe calling me anymore, either. Tell your family I said hi. Bye, Nick."

I placed the phone back on the reciever before he had a chance to argue. I leaned back against the refrigerator and closed my eyes, but I could still feel my mother watching me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly. I shook my head.

"No," I said. "Never."

[chandy]

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


KATiEExGirl: heyy girl!
penelopetheantelope12: hey
KATiEExGirl: how are you? i haven't talked to you since you went on tour with the guys. how are they?
penelopetheantelope12: idk. i'm home.
KATiEExGirl: i thought they were on tour till january?
penelopetheantelope12: they are. i came home early.
KATiEExGirl: why?? what happened?
penelopetheantelope12: its a long story...
KATiEExGirl: i've got time
penelopetheantelope12:... and i dont want to talk about it
KATiEExGirl: oh.. k. you gonna hang out with us tonight then?
penelopetheantelope12: idk... i dont feel well
KATiEExGirl: oh come on penny, you've never missed a sleepover!
penelopetheantelope12: katie, im not really up to going out...
KATiEExGirl: pleeeease?
penelopetheantelope12: katie. dont make me.
KATiEExGirl: PLEEEEASE??? pretty please with a cherry on top???
penelopetheantelope12:

What could I possibly say? I didn't want to go out - I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to wallow in my own pity and because an idle emo teenager for the rest of my life. I didn't want to deal with people anymore - I lost my best friends. I had no life to live anymore. So why try?

penelopetheantelope12: fine. when & where?

I guess some part of me wanted to go back to normal - not that I knew how to be normal without Nick or Joe. I could try. I could pretend. When Joe and Nick came back... I would be happy again. I wouldn't need them anymore. And they would leave me alone. Forever.

But was that what I wanted?

KATiEExGirl: yay! in twenty min. @ Mandy's house!

I took a deep breath and squared my fingers over the keys.

penelopetheantelope12: okay. i'll be there in twenty minutes. bye.
AOL user penelopetheantelope12 has signed off

I walked over to my closet. I pulled on black sweatpants. I grabbed a black tank top and a black jacket. I snatched a black beanie hat and a black scarf and black coat. I slipped on my black Vans and walked out the door without saying anything to my family. I could call them later.

The purely black clothing made me feel invisible in the night. It was completely dark outside, besides the streetlight. The clouds covered the moon and the stars. Everything was gone. Cold. Black.

I was the same way. Everything inside of me. Gone. Cold. Black.

I felt a buzzing in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone.

Text Message from NICKY J <3
read now?

I sighed and almost dropped my cell phone back into my pocket. But a repellent force in my pocket pushed my hard fist away and I pulled my cell phone up to my face. I pressed 'OK'. I don't know why I did it, but I did.

im srry pen
i miss u and i need 2 talk 2 u
i want things 2 go back 2 normal
im srry for everything
plz txt me back
i love you.

I wiped a tear from my eye and pressed 'reply'.


i love you too.
but that doesnt change anything.
sorry.


SEND.


I cried out into the night, dizzy, and finally collapsed in a heap onto the ground, unconscious.

Everything was gone.

Everything was cold.

And everything went black.

[chandy]

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN


I woke up. I blinked several times, my blue eyes adjusting to the bright lights of the hospital room... I was in the hospital. I couldn't think of any reason I'd be in the hospital. I didn't even remember the drive there.

I looked around. The room was empty. A sharp beeping noise erratically sped up beside me and with a gasp I realized that it was my heartbeat, resonating through a machine.

"Hello?" I croaked. I coughed violently; it felt like I hadn't spoken for years. My voice seemed old and dusty and unused. It seemed strange and faraway. Like it didn't belong to me.

"Hello?" I tried again. The sound of my voice was clearer now, but still weak. I tried to sit up, but didn't have enough strength. My entire body was aching, like it hadn't moved for decades. Everything was tight and throbbing.

"Oh, honey, lay back down! You'll get dizzy," someone said, hurrying into the room. I didn't recognize her - she was wearing a nurse's uniform. She gently pushed me back down against the pillows and used the remote to incline my bed so I was sitting slightly upright.

"What happened?" I managed to say in a loud whisper. "Where's my family?" The nurse looked down on me sympathetically and pursed her lips.

"They left for lunch about an hour ago. They should all be back soon," she said to me quietly, fluffing a pillow and then shoving it behind my head.

I sat there for thirty minutes in silence, not even really thinking about anything. Just sat there in the white quiet. Then I heard distant yelling, and my face instantly brightened.

"She's awake! PENNY!" Frankie leaped into my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck - his hair was longer and his face more defined, although still boyish. I wiped a lock of drown hair out of his face and kissed him on the forehead. Then I noticed he was crying.

"Frankie, what's wrong, kid?" I hugged him tightly as he shook his head and told me that he had missed me. I looked over his head at the new figure that appeared in the doorway.

"Kevin!" I grinned. Kevin ranned forward, beaming, and wrapped me up in a long hug.

"You have no idea how worried we all were," he breaked into my hair as he grasped onto me tightly. I hugged back, confused.

"Why? I don't even remember what happened." He pulled back and looked at me. His brown eyes were wide and brimming with tears. It shocked me. I'd never seen my best friend cry like this before. "Clue me in., please."

"You don't remember?" he asked, his voice hoarse. I didn't get a chance to respond. I looked over at the door and saw two new figures standing at the door. Both tall, one with a dark mop of curly hair atop his head, the other's brown hair straight. Joe. The curly-haired boy was a little paler and younger than the other. Nick.

They both looked lovingly at me, and I looked away, down at the sheets in my lap. I felt like one person had taken hold of the right side of my heart, another person grabbed the left and pulled. Hard. I could feel the muscles in my heart tore and it was ripped open. My stomach dropped and my throat started closing up. It soon became difficult to breathe.

"Get them out of here," I gasped in a low mumble, looking up at Kevin through my dark lashes. Kevin opened his mouth, as if to say something. I cut him off. "Please, Kevin." I was begging. Surely he couldn't miss the pleading tone in my words. Kevin looked up at Joe and Nick and made a gesture that I refused to look at. The tension in the air did not disappear with them. Frankie, Kevin and I were silent for a long time.

"Penny," Frankie whimpered. I looked up at him and dashed a tear off my red cheek before he could see. I think he did anyway. Frankie took my hand and squeezed it, "Penny, it's okay."

"Frankie-"

"My mom always tells me that to make me feel better. It's okay." I smiled at him, a new river of tears rushing to my head. Kevin shifted awkwardly.

"Frankie, maybe we should leave Penny alone-"

"No, don't," I said quickly, grabbing Kevin's hand. I looked at him sternly in the eyes and he gazed back sadly. "I need you."

Kevin sat down beside me and kissed the back of my hand gently. In less than two minutes, I was crying into his shoulder.

[chandy]

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I had been unconsious for three days straight. I fainted from traumatic stress and hit my head on a mailbox on the way down. I had a concussion and had been sleeping since.

Mom called Denise after Mandy and Katie found me lying on the curb down the street. She had seen the cell phone in my hand and went through the history - and found my text to Nick. The one I had sent right before I passed out.

The boys were in the middle of their last concert when Mom finally got around to reaching Denise. Nick, Joe, and Kevin insisted on stopping the show and getting on the soonest flight to New Jersey to see me. Denise didn't object, but the thousands of fans at the concert did. I'm sure they had a lot of unkind words for me as the boys sped off to the airport right after We Got the Party. Miley promised she would entertain the crowd for as long as she could, but Kevin said she didn't seem happy about it. I didn't hold it against her - I'd be pissed off at me, too. I could have cost the boys their jobs.

The doctor insisted that I needed to stay in the hospital another night to make sure I was fine - I felt alright, except for the bad migraines every now and then. I told Mom and Dad and Mr. and Mrs. Jonas not to let Joe or Nick in to see me - everyone besides Dad understood why. He never asked, though.

Denise and Kevin kept giving me weird looks - like they weren't telling me something. Something that I should know. I didn't ask and they didn't tell. I didn't want to know. Most likely, it had something to do with Nick or Joe. I didn't want to hear it.

I went home that weekend and stayed in my room for a long time. It wasn't until a box came addressed to me that I even spoke to one of my parents.

"This was on the porch..." Dad said, setting the box down at the foot of my bed. I sat up and grabbed the box. No return address. No name. There was nothing written on it besides my name. It hadn't even gone through the postal office. Someone had just set it down on my porch and run off.

"Thanks, Dad."

"Go to bed soon, Penny. It's gettin' late." I waited until he was gone to open it. Inside, the box was empty besides a CD jewel case. I opened the case and read the words written on the top of the DVD in sharpie... in Nick's handwriting:

please watch it

I reluctantly slipped the DVD into my player and sat down on the floor to watch it. I rested my head back against my bed and pulled my knees up to hug them, resting my chin on my kneecaps. My heart was beating out of my chest as I waited for the black screen to dissolve into Nick's face.

He was holding a guitar - my favorite guitar of his, the red one. I named it Betty just because he said I could name his guitar. My eyes searched Nick's face - his skin was paler and his eyes left purple shadows from lack of sleep, I guessed. He looked miserable. My heart ripped open.

"Um..." he struggled with his words. He shifted comfortably on his bed - I recognized the room immediately. "Penny, I know you hate me. But... I just couldn't let you hate me forever without knowing... you know. Without knowing how I feel about you. I'm sorry, but I love you." Nick tried to smile, but it was weak. "Always have. I... I can't help it. I really wish you didn't love Joe... and this is all because I'm jealous of him. I'm sorry, Pen. Anyway... here's a song I wrote for you... I've been working on it and if you hate it... don't tell me." I laughed, wiping a tear off my cheek. Nick picked up his pick and started strumming, and I braced myself.


Penelope
I hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm wrong
Or maybe I'm just dumb

You're the one that I've been missing
and I know that we could be
just you and me

And I've tried to get my heart to know
I can't love you; Cause I know you don't

But please, now
just forgive
what I've done
I know that it was wrong
Please forget
we're too young
to fight over something as plain as this to see
I just want there to be a 'you and me'

I wish that you would just take a chance on this
on what I can give you, girl
I hope you know that it's you I want to kiss
you've always been my world
My girl
Penelope

Penelope,
I hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm wrong
or maybe I'm just dumb


"So... yeah," Nick blushed. "I love you, Pen. I'm sorry." The screen went black. I was alone again.

I snatched up my jacket, for once not caring that my eyes red and wet. I wrapped it close around me and ran down the stairs, fleeing right past my parents, who were watching TV in the living room. I threw open the door.

"Penny! Where are you going?" Dad shouted, standing up to catch me before I was gone. I stopped and turned around, wearing the tears on my cheeks proudly. Dad recoiled.

"The Jonas's."

"No, you're not," he insisted.

"Yes, I am," I laughed. I know I probably looked absolutely out of my mind... but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care what my Dad had to say. I slammed the door and broke out into a run.

It was raining outside - not hard, but there was a thick mist that kept me from seeing anything. My head was pounding with an incoming migraine, but I didn't pay it any mind. I bolted down the street against the wind and rain, in the direction of Nick's house. I could hear Dad yelling after me from my house, but I didn't once look over my shoulder.

I rang the doorbell fifteen times, not worrying that I could be waking someone up. The whole family was probably asleep, but I knew one person who was always up this late.

"Kevin!" I beamed as he opened the door slowly. Kevin smiled at me, confused, and gave me a funny look at the same time.

"Penny...?"

"I need to see Nick. Like... right now." Kevin smiled, understanding. And then he told me he'd go get Nick, and to wait there in the foyer.

My hands were shaking. I was tapping my foot anxiously, unable to get rid of the buzz I had now from running so fast. I wasn't even tired, although my head was throbbing.

I could hear voices upstairs and grinned nervously, biting down on my lower lip.

"What? Get out of my room," Nick said, sleepily.

"No. Get up. Trust me."

"Out of my room, Kevin."

"Nick, just do it. Get up."

"No - OW! What was that for?!"

"Shut UP!" I heard Joe yell. I smiled.

"Go downstairs or I'll hit you again."

"Put down the bat, idiot."

"One... Two..."

"Fine!" Nick grumbled. I heard footsteps and braced myself. I steadied my balance on the sofa as I waited. Another step. Another step. He had reached the stairs, mumbling rude words to his brother tiredly. I couldn't take it anymore. How long did it take to go down the stairs?

When Nick reached the bottom of the stairs, it took him a while to realize I was standing there. When he did, though, he absolutely froze on the spot. Like a deer in the headlights.

"Nick."

"Penny," he breathed. I grinned and ran forward, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him to me. Nick hugged me tighter than I ever thought possible - I didn't care that I couldn't breathe. All I cared about was that Nick and I were...

I kissed him. Our bodies didn't tense up like Joe's and mine had when we first kissed. It seemed so natural for my lips to be moving rhythmically with his. His lips were soft and warm. He put one hand on the small of my back and pulled me closer to him. My face was hot and my blood was pounding through my veins. We pulled apart and I stared into his wide, brown eyes.

"Penny... What...?"

"I love you," I smiled. "I can't help it."




THE END!
Read & Review, please. I know that was long to read in one sitting.
If you did it, yay! Thanks!